"That Girl"

I am the girl who travels alone. Fearless. Solitary. Independent. I always thought this would be who I was forever and sometimes wondered if it would cost me a chance at a husband and a family one day. Then just over a year ago everything changed. I met a man, on the street. Literally. That day my life changed forever. Our love story is not the focus of this post but rather how it has changed me without me even realizing it. It began when I went to visit him last October. I knew we couldn’t go 6 months without seeing each other again but I wasn’t willing to give up my Christmas break and forego a chance to travel. I am not “that girl.” As more time went by my heart won over my mind and I decided to stay in Niamey and have him fly down to spend the holidays with me in Niger. He had a return ticket to Morocco for January. A week after he arrived he proposed and has been here ever since. Skip to this summer. Same scenario. We should be spending time in Morocco with his family while we are only a 3 hour flight away, who knows which continent will be next. I struggled with this because I felt like I had already sacrificed exploring new countries. At first the compromise was we travel in Europe a bit and spend 2 weeks in Morocco. Then flights and visas got really complicated really fast. It turns out when you are from two different countries visas are tricky, and it works both ways. Take for example when we wanted to go to Ghana for spring break. He can go no problem. I couldn’t get a visa. In the end we settled on two weeks in Tunisia with its beautiful Mediterranean beaches, followed by a month in Morocco. A few weeks before we left I snuck in a week in the Canary Islands and the only reason I didn’t book him a flight was it meant a visa that’s too complicated for only a week long trip. Well you know what they say about making plans… The first four days in Tunisia were magical. Then Ramadan happened. Then Sousse happened. By the time we left we both felt like it was a bit of a bust. Things weren’t much better in Morocco because everyone is hungry and yelling in Arabic all the time. I was struggling. I decided to leave for the Canaries a week early, a decision we mutually supported. Now, here’s the part I didn’t see coming. I was physically affected by the absence of my fiancé. Unable to sleep, anxious, nervous, awkward, and probably the most unsure of myself I have been on a trip, well, ever. The best part is I was in a country where usually I feel the most at home. I still enjoyed my trip and my experiences but something had changed. I couldn’t even sleep in a bed, if there was a couch in my apartment I slept on it because it made me forget a little that I was sleeping alone. He did the same back in Morocco. I realized that I don’t want to do this alone. I want the adventure and the travel but I am not “that girl” anymore, because I don’t even know what “that girl” means. My life has changed in more ways than I realized but I have changed and that was the biggest revelation of all. Suddenly being on a beautiful beach or amazing volcano just made me wish he was with me. Even on our worst day I would take that over being there alone. A little perspective goes a long way. As our self evolves it’s a process, one that we are often unaware of. It’s like a child that grows two inches since the last time you saw them but when you say they’re taller their parents haven’t noticed because they see them every day. Once you remove yourself from your comfort zone, your day to day, whatever you want to call it, you have a chance to take a step back, and reflect. It’s all about perspective. I never imagined I would be 30 about to marry a man from Morocco living in Sub Saharan Africa. When I stop to reflect on everything that has led me to this point I see the evolution of my relationship. My relationship with myself, which in the end is the most important of all.