Mind Games

As I wandered in a busy shopping area in the city of Las Palmas in the Canary Islands I had a realization. For the first time, in a long time I forgot where I was. That's when it dawned on me how constantly aware of my surroundings I am in Niger. My summer hasn't proved much different with time spent in Tunisia and Morocco. Living in a place like Niger is difficult to put into words. I often have a hard time explaining it to people without sounding condescending. Like, "Oh you just can't understand unless you've been there," but the truth is there just aren't any words to describe it or compare. I know I have said this before, it's like another planet. How do you work that you drink your morning coffee while waiting for a bomb sweep into casual conversation? My time in Tunisia and Morocco this summer has been great but with Ramadan and constant Arabic it has been hard for me to truly relax. I'm just hungry all the time and I don't know what anyone is saying. Ever. Arriving in the Canary Islands proved to be a welcome mental break. My first day out I walked around the city and found the beach. I wore a dress, knee length and sleeveless. Out of habit I wore a cardigan to leave the apartment. As I walked down the street I realized it was 30 C which is practically 90 F and I didn't need it. No one cares. For once no one looks at me or pays any mind. I fit in here and nobody cares what I wear! The extremes went as far as a nude beach- Toto we are not in the Muslim world anymore. It got me thinking about the impact our environment has on the psyche. I have programmed myself to abide by the cultural norms of the society I live in out of respect for the people because I am a visitor in their country and quite honestly I don't want to give people any more reasons to stare. It got me thinking about my time in Korea. So many rules! What struck me the most once I left was how I continued to unconsciously use two hands when handing something to someone. After I left I continued this custom until I eventually had to train myself to stop when I realized it wasn't relevant anymore. I don't have to do this anymore. I can just relax. However, being back in Spain made me feel like an alien at first. The Internet actually works, I can just go sit in a park or a coffee shop, walk around with headphones and get on a bus to wherever I feel like whenever I feel like it. What is this place? Who are you people all half-dressed and modern? It's crazy but the longer you live in one of the least developed countries in the world the more disconnected you feel from the modern world. When I finally return to a developed country I feel this weird juxtaposition of comfort and familiarity along with confusion and awe. You mean I can just sit in a park? Just sit there and people watch? It feels so special like I have to be sure to appreciate everything I see and do because we can't take anything for granted in this life. As I gain more experience as an expat I am becoming more aware of the impact my experiences have on my psyche. This can cause anxiety, fear and loneliness which have no correlation to how developed a country is but are certainly some of the less glamorous side effects of choosing this lifestyle. I have this theory that if every person on this planet knew what it felt like to be the minority we would all be a lot nicer to each other. I remember when I lived in Thailand it used to drive me crazy to constantly hear "farang," Pronounced fa- long, their word for foreigner, that I would have to just put on headphones. It's not a good feeling to know people are talking about you but not know what they are saying. My best guess was they weren't saying, "Wow she looks like a really nice person." I recently had an experience in Niamey where a man made a scene because he was upset that the "white woman," his words, not mine, was being helped first when in reality it was just my turn, I had taken my number ticket and waited in line just like everyone else. I felt no ill will to him rather a sudden urge to go wait in the car to avoid a scene. It's not a good feeling when you are just a person trying to do everyday things. The reality is this is the world we live in and people are shaped by their environment and experiences. There is more truth to the saying "walk a mile in another man's shoes" than I ever could have imagined. My mental endurance continues to be tested and I wouldn't have it any other way. About a year ago I was talking with my mom about Niamey and complaining about something stupid. She just sighed and said, "C'mon Meggie you and I both know if it wasn't at least a little chaotic you would be bored and hate it." She is right. We often define ourselves by where we come from and our cultural norms. Coming to the realization that mine are constantly changing to the point where I am not even sure what they are half the time empowers me to continue to change my perspective and adapt.